Shot in the Neck

Those of us who were in college during the heyday of Goldeneye 007 for the Nintendo 64 know that it will go down in history as one of the funnest multi-player games of all time. We also know that it has been copied over and over, but nothing will be as great as the original. And we all have secretly wished there was a building designed just like the Bunker level, complete with regenerating body armor and random weapons stashed around, where we could battle our buddies in real life.

Well, there's nothing like that. Grow up.

Fortunately, there's something close: Paintball. I had never been paintballing before my buddy's Bachelor Party back in Boston last month. Being January, we went to an indoor course at Boston Paintball in Somerville. The place is spread out in a 31,000 square-foot gymnasium with large blow-up padded obstacles peppered throughout. The ground is coated with a thin layer of paint, and it's damn slippery. Two teams of equal numbers square off at opposite sides of the field and slowly move toward the center, knocking out opposing members by shooting them with the paint, within the three-minute time limit. Most games don't last that long, though.

If you've never been paintballing, you gotta try it. I can't believe how much fun it was to run around, dive behind obstacles, and use cover techniques with your teammates. I imagine anyone with a military background would kick ass at paintball, but for unathletic civilians like yours truly, it's still a blast. We played about six or seven games, and no one was really keeping score. In fact, after you were knocked out, you stopped caring about who won. The last game came down to my now-married buddy and me squaring off behind an obstacle. As we shot towards each other, my gun jammed and his didn't - he got me in the neck, right under the helmet. Good stuff. Paintball is a great idea for a bachelor party. And a whole lot of fun.

I'm Back, Baby

So for those of you who know me, every January I take a sabbatical to spend some time meditating, playing croquet, and trying my hand at fashion design. Well, I'm back now, and I'm full of energy ready for another 11 months. So expect some more regular blog activity here at Fool's Platinum. And in the meantime, here's a picture of Abby and I swimming at her mom's Lake house over the holidays.

What the hell just happened?

Talk about anti-climactic. The Giants are world champions? The team that won 3 games at home all year? The Pats are no longer the best team in history? What? That drooling kid with a severe underbite and an extra chromosome is the MVP? What?

Seriously... what?

Don't want to talk about missed opportunities, don't want to talk about Asante Suckuel, don't want to talk about a complete failure to alter the game plan after the NY def consisted of rushing 6-8 guys every play. It's called a screen pass. It's called a draw play. It's called a three-step drop. Don't want to talk about Tom screaming at Welker for no reason. Don't want to talk about going for on 4th and 13 when a field goal is 49 yards away. Didn't they lose by a field goal?

Belichick was quoted after the press conference as saying "Well, you can't spy on Karma." Bill, the 2008 season starts today. Anything less than 19-0 will be a major disappointment. And let's play by the god damn rules this time. Hopefully in '08 my two teams won't both lose in the championship like in '07. When does spring training start?

16 - 0

DYNASTY. The best team in NFL history: the 2007 New England Patriots. Yeah, the Dolphins went 14-0 in the regular season and won the superbowl, but the Pats had two more regular season wins and they beat the next best three teams (Colts, Cowboys, Chargers) during the season. When the Pats win the superbowl this year, they won't only be the best team ever, they will be the best dynasty ever. Better than the Steelers of the 70's, better than the 49ers of the 80's, better than the Cowboys of the 90's.

I blogged about them going undefeated back in October, and I've been talking about it ever since they won decisive victories over the Jets in week one and the Charge in week 2. Check out these records they set this year:

• Most points during the regular season (589)
• Most Passing TD's (Tom Brady - 50)
• Most Receiving TD's (Randy Moss - 23)
• Longest Winning Streak (19)
• Most wins during one regular season (16)

Man! What a season. And the icing on the cake is the fact that Cris Collinsworth has sand in his panties after rooting against the Pats all season. During week 17's game during the Giants, he stopped veiling his anti-Pats bias and literally was pumped up about the Giants chances - and his disappointment after the Pats went ahead was palpable. I love this line after they went undefeated: "Are they the best ever? I don't know. If they don't win the superbowl I wouldn't call them the best ever." HAHAHAA. The guy who spent 17 weeks rooting against them is now holding out for a playoff loss - what a d-bag. Collinsworth, and the rest of America, the 2007 Patriots are the best team ever, and the Patriots are the best dynasty ever. It will take a fourth superbowl this decade to prove it, but I don't have a doubt in my mind that they'll win another super. Next year, we'll be chanting 'One for the Thumb'.

A New England Christmas Poem

'Twas the night before the superbowl, and all through the season
Fans, bloggers, and journalists had looked for a reason
To call it a sham, a contortion of sport
In hope that the Patriots soon would fall short

Don Shula stood up and said it wasn't fair
While visions of shared perfection came near
Mangini cried foul, "They're videotaping!"
Then sent Pennington out for a nice Christmas raping.

Collinsworth tried to brand Belichick a cheater
Which made their win vs. San Diego much sweeter
Bradshaw said the rings are now clouded in suspicion,
But St. Terry's naive, and no one really listened.

See, what these old scrooges simply failed to discern
Was the raw talent that proved the Pats' wins were all earned
'Cause taping the sidelines is hardly unfair
And it's not like Brady to Moss needed a prayer.

The defensive formation was copied to view it,
Is it an unfair advantage when all the teams do it?
As far as the asterisk - why? What's the reason?
It's not like it helped them one play this whole season.

As Buffalo and Cinci watched the Pats do their thing.
The Mass-Haters couldn't believe what was happening
Then Cleveland, and Dallas, the Dolphins and Redskins,
Were pummeled and muted, in decisive Pats wins.

Then Indy tried their best to defend their ring,
But Brady continued with the dismantling.
Peyton had been unable to crack the Pats' defensive enforcement.
But he still had his Mastercard, Sprint, and Xbox endorsements.

Then Anthony Smith guaranteed a Pitt win.
And Harrison replied "Who? Never heard of him."
Smith's guarantee soon went up in smoke.
And I laughed when I heard it, a quite jolly ol' joke.

It appeared Belichick's bag of tricks never ended,
And as they kept winning, cries from critics suspended.
The Loss column laid bare, the fans did rejoice,
By the end of the season Gil Santos lost his voice.

Thanks to Brady and Seymour, Watson and Samuel,
to Adalius and Welker, Moss and Coach McDaniels
As they wrap up their fourth ring this decade remember,
Merry Christmas to all, the Pats are the best ever.

Buddy Holly

Abby and I are spending Friday night watching VH1 count down the top 100 songs of the 90's. It was on in the background and we didn't care much about it until we realized that we were singing along with every song - and that we hadn't heard many of the songs since the 90's. Good ol' VH1. We're only at #32 right now, but so far I can't imagine any of them will be better than this classic:

Stephen King's Prison Break Scheme

In a great example of life imitating art, two prison inmates at the Union County Jail in Elizabeth, NJ, escaped through holes that were hidden by posters of women, mimicking one of the greatest movies of the 20th century, The Shawshank Redemption. I haven't figured out why I get such a laugh out of this story, which you can read here.

It's the economy, stupid

I don't get something. Why is the price of gasoline an economic indicator? The average price of gasoline is about $3.00 a gallon. Is that a significant hit to the paycheck when you full up? Is that significant enough to begin worrying about the economy overall?

Gas has been pretty stagnant for the last two years. In fact, the current price of gas is a few cents lower than it was back in Sept. 2005. Go back 5 years and the price is all the way down to $1.50 a gallon. Ok - the price of gas has doubled in 5 years. That's horrible. (And inexcusable - didn't we recently invade a country sitting atop the largest oil reserves in the world?) But still - $1.50 increase in five years - is that really stretching anyone's paychecks out there?

Assuming you drive about 15,000 miles a year, and the average car gets around 25 miles per gallon (that's a big guess - mileage swings wildly depending on the model and age of your car), you're spending about $900 more per year on gas. (15,000 miles ÷ 25 miles per gallon = 600 gallons of gas. 600 gallons x $1.50 = $900)

That's $75 per month. Yeah - it's an inconvenient truth. But how much are you paying for your DVR and On-Demand? I'm sure you picked that up in the last 5 years. How about your tall latté in the morning? At $4 a pop, you're spending more on coffee than the gas increase if you stop off for a caffeine-boost on your way to work every morning. And I hope in the last 5 years you've received more than a $900 raise overall. I get it - it sucks to see those numbers on the gas meter keep spinning until you're paying $50 to fill your tank. But is it really an economic indicator? Is it really a sign of our economy's downfall? Or maybe I'm that out of touch riding around in a company car...

And may dog have mercy on your soul

Michael Vick was sentenced to 23 months in jail for financing a dog-fighting operation. I wonder if people will chalk this up to the Madden Curse. I'm kind of surprised by the sentence - we're talking about a first-time offender and what amounts to a (disgusting) white-collar crime. Still, why couldn't Vick put aside his lowlife impulses and obey the laws of a society that overpays him millions of dollars a year to play a child's game for a living? I'm always amazed by the fall from grace of some professional athletes (read: Maurice Clarett) who just can't seem to leave the scumbag thug lifestyle behind them. You're playing football for a job. You're making millions of dollars. You will retire comfortably at age 35 and never have to work again. Your children will never have to work. Can you please just obey the law for a while? Millions of hard-working blue-collar Americans live paycheck to paycheck and find a way to play by the rules. Vick used to amaze us on the field - now he just amazes us. And disappoints us.

Never heard of him

On December 5th, Steelers CB Anthony Smith.. wait, what does he play - defensive back, right? Oh. Ok, On December 5th, Steelers FS Anthony Smith guaranteed a win against the 12-0 New England Patriots. Read about it here. His words: "We're going to win. Yeah, I can guarantee a win. They should be worried about us. We never worry about receivers. We're the ones doing the hitting. They have to run routes. We're attacking them, they're not really attacking us."

Rodney Harrison: "Who was it?" Told it was Smith, "Never heard of him."

Final Score: New England 34, Pittsburgh 13