There Goes The Neighborhood

About an hour and a half south of me on I-25 is the lovely town of Florence, CO. Nestled into the foothills in the shadow of Pike's Peak, the small town of Florence is best known for its United States Penitentiary Administrative Maximum Facility (ADX), known as a "Supermax" prison. The Alcatraz of the Rockies, as it is known, houses some of the most violent and dangerous criminals for whom a regular Maximum Security Prison is just not good enough. Inside the concrete walls of ADX Florence, you'll find your typical most wanted: cop-killers, inmates who have killed other inmates, and terrorists. The inmates are housed in solitary confinement for 23 hours per day in 7' by 12' rooms, in which every piece of furniture, including their bed, is made of poured concrete. Check out where these guys call home.

What I didn't know until just recently was how many well-known criminals live just a 90-minute drive away. The thought went through my brain that, hell, these guys could be in the same softball league as me. I ran with that idea, and tried to figure out just who would be on the softball team and which position would fit them best. If you don't recognize these players or you forget what they're in for, just click on their names for a news story about them. So, without further ado, I present to you the ADX Florence 2008 Summer Softball Team, The Florence Felons:

1) Robert Hanssen - SS - Leading off is the former FBI agent, who went from stealing secrets to stealing bases. And no, the SS doesn't stand for Sovietskikh Sotsialistichieskikh, this time it stands for shortstop.

2) John Walker Lindh - CF - The perfect man to cover all that ground in center is a man who spent years covering the vast mountainous terrain of northern Afghanistan. Lindh is still surprised when opposing fans boo him.

3) Zacarias Moussaoui - 1B - This guy's bat is a weapon of mass destruction, but he is always getting caught up with something right before the game.

4) Eric Rudolph - LF - Batting cleanup, Mr. Rudolph is now hitting bombs, instead of just detonating them.

5) Richard Reid - 3B - Every time he slides, it's cleats up - constantly trying to hurt people with his shoes.

6) Terry Nichols - RF - From crazy right-winger to crazy right fielder, Nichols is involved in the game planning but is always far from the action on the field.

7) Anthony Casso - 2B - Not a great defensive second-baseman, you'd think he'd be able to flip the ball better.

8) Ramzi Yousef - C - From Praise Allah to Base Ballah.

9) Ted Kaczynski - P - "The Professor" is known to write delusional manifestos to opposing hitters before games. He relies on two things; his Harvard education to plan his game-strategy, and his signature pitch, the screwball. He is a bit of a recluse around the locker room, however.

The team is managed by Omar Abdel-Rahman, who never seems to know what's going on in the game. And there you have it.